A recent conversation with my husband:
Me: “Did you notice how spotless the house was when you got home today?”
Him: (pause) “I noticed it was clean. I didn’t check for spots.” Oh, he’s being witty. I like it.
Me: “Thanks babe. I mean, I ask you this question not because the house was a disaster when you left and perfect when you got home, but because it was clean when you left and clean when you got home and it took me ALL DAY to keep it that way.”
Him: laughing “Yeah….I help a lot though.” WHAT????
Me: “Well, actually I was a little frustrated with you this morning. I spent all day yesterday getting/keeping the house clean, because the pest control guy was coming over this morning. So when I went to bed last night, everything was clean. When I woke up this morning, I found the TV clickers in the middle of the floor, a dish towel in the middle of the living room with your dirty socks, a bag of opened chips laying out on the kitchen counter and a very dirty bowl and some utensils also on the counter, not even soaking in the sink, let alone put in the dishwasher. And you didn’t take out the trash and the recycling; for the third week in a row.”
Him: “What? Man, somebody must’ve broken in last night.”
Me: “I’m telling you, the house is a lot cleaner when you have crazy work hours. I can manage me and the baby. It’s you that is messy.”
Him: “Well, I clean up all day at work. I need a break when I get home.”
Me: “I clean up all day too!”
Him: “But really, I think about that at work. I think, wow, Julia would be so impressed with me right now. I’m straightening, I’m cleaning. I’m totally different at work than I am at home.”
Me: “I mean, I kinda think you’d have to be right? I’ve thought that before. I mean, you seem to be doing really well at work, so you must act different there than you do at home.”
Him: “Ha, yeah, I mean, I’m pretty impressive at work. Much different from the bumbling idiot husband you see at home.” Oh my gosh, he knows he’s a bumbling idiot?? “I’m just really tired when I get home.”
Me: “Me too! But I need you to help out at night.”
Him: “You mean, I never get a break?”
Me: “I never get a break. And it would mean a lot to my happiness and sanity if you would step it up.”
Him: (in a flirtatious manner) “So you won’t feel like you have two 2 year olds?” Oh my gosh, he knows he acts like a two-year old??
Me: (in shock) “I really do have two 2 year olds! I mean, I know I say that all the time kind of joking, but I really feel like I already have two kids. Honestly, we can not seriously discuss having another child until you grow up.” I can’t believe I just said that.
Him: “Interesting.” pause “That’s a good line. You should put that in your blog.”
Either we just had a very revealing conversation that will help move our relationship in a positive direction, or I really did marry a bumbling idiot.