Inspired

I tentatively placed my hands on the keyboard and willed myself to let go of the story that had been hiding in the recluse of my mind for months.

I watched as the letters under my fingers transformed into words on my screen, pouring out thoughts and telling a story I had never before shared.

I dared, much like I am now, to let the story unfold on its own, and present itself in its own way. Even I was not fully aware what direction it was taking.

I edited slightly, because when my mind speaks is doesn’t always remember to spell.

I published. I linked. I waited.

I held expectations no higher than a hope that this would be a prequel to my whole story and that it might allow me to connect with more readers in this wonderful blogging world.

And then it came. The brave. The transparent. The inspiring. The different perspectives. The outpouring of responses on a story I thought was my own.

I was amazed and humbled to discover that this story is not just my story. Parts of this reality had been experienced and felt and endured and coped with by many. People shared pieces of their own times of loss, their own times of difficulty, their own perspectives. People came here, to this small little corner of the internet, and shared their hearts.

To say I am honored is an understatement. I never knew that a simple post with a picture of a pumpkin would open the amazing dialogue created on that page. I cherish these bits of your lives you so generously intertwined with mine and savor them as though they are a decadent dessert. (Of chocolate, of course.)

This blogging world is still new to me. I am not even aware of all the things I do not know, as I have just started to climb this ladder and do not have the vision to see more than the next step in front of me. I am in awe of this community.

I have been lucky enough to find bloggers whose words float over the screen like a melody, whose descriptions entrance me, whose honesty both surprises and compels me. I have been lucky enough to read stories of people who break down the barriers of convention and instead allow the private of their lives to dance freely into the public. I have been lucky enough to find bloggers whose kindness surpasses many of those I know in “real life.”

Everyone has a story. It is what makes life so tragically beautiful. There is such artistry here in the intertwining of these hearts and voices. I see slivers and pieces of diverse stories slowly thread over each other as they weave their way into a part of the tapestry of shared experiences.

One of the reasons I started a blog was to finally share the birth story that I have never told, in full, to anyone in the past two and a half years since it happened. I have carried it, mostly alone, as I have walked this path of new motherhood. I started a blog to find you. To hear these stories. To know that I am not alone.

And to tell you that you are not alone either.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share a brief overview and summary of my story. Thank you for not making me feel like I am crazy to have these musings. Thank you for giving me the courage to begin to share my birth story. I will tell you all of it one day.

Thank you for making me feel inspired.

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10 thoughts on “Inspired

  1. And now after revisiting that post and seeing the response I would like to amend my previous sentiments a bit; “keep writing” should be write that book. Jewels, so many women need to find healing and have lived through birthing experiences that they did not envision. And so many others are left unaware of any other way (besides the standard medical model). It is just not a common conversation, and since all of my friends are pregnant I feel confident in saying that 😉

    I believe you to be such a strong and capable woman and fierce friend. I also find your writing to be smart, articulate, and soothing. If you weren’t my best friend I think I’d feel you were anyway because of the amount of Self in your writing. You are the ultimate mom in my eyes and I know that one day not-so soon I will be calling you for mothering chats. Its coming. You’re being called and I believe its apparent to many. I will be patiently awaiting.

    • I have no words. Thank you so very much for these touching thoughts. I am amazed by the response that this one little post got. If nothing else, it has given me the strength to share my story, the whole story, at least in this space. And since I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, your inspiring words have made me wonder if there’s not a reason for me to have had this experience and to have been given the ability to write. I am moved to finally pursue a dream I had long ago; to one day be a writer. (And by long ago, I mean FOREVER.) But that doesn’t mean it isn’t still a part of me. Thank you for making me remember.
      And I will be patiently awaiting these sweet babies you will have. They will be so lucky to have you as their Mommy.

  2. I am so *elated* you have found solace in a world I know is so wonderful. I hope that more love, support, and courage than you know what to do with finds its way into your life. Keep writing.

  3. I loved your post. While I didn’t go through what you went through in the same way, I understood your feelings. You wrote it well. I look forward to hearing more from you! Happy to have “met” you!

  4. You are infinitely welcome! I was so happy that so many amazing women left such kind and encouraging words on your post. Rarely do I see bloggers who write as beautifully as you do Julia. You share your thoughts in an articulate and still very emotional way, and it’s fascinating to read. I’m so glad that you know you are not alone on this topic. I remember what it was like to be falling down the rabbit hole into a dark and unfamiliar place. To literally have no self-control from one minute to the next. To have everything you love about yourself be stripped away from you, and be left with what feels like nothing. Depression and chaos can hit you when you are already down but it can also hit you on some of the most significant and remarkable days of your life. It’s a painfully ironic twist of fate, feeling depressed on the day you give life and hope to another human being, and it shakes you to the core…but you do conquer it Julia. The funny thing about pain? Most of us can relate to it a hundred times over than feeling perfect and happy all the time. Thanks for sharing bits and pieces of your story with us Julia.

    Have a wonderful weekend!!

    • Oh, be still my heart. These are such amazingly kind words and I truly cherish them. Thank you so very much for your encouraging compliments and for sharing this part of your story.
      I think you have captured it perfectly; “It’s a painfully ironic twist of fate, feeling depressed on the day you give life and hope to another human being.” It is absolutely this.
      I have said it before, but I can not tell you enough how honored I am to have connected with you in this blogging community. Thank you so much sweet friend.

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