Alone

I am alone, driving in my car. I feel the breeze whip my hair as it encompasses me through the open windows. My ears are filled with the music blaring to beats I should have given up long ago, but their upbeat and youthful sounds make me feel energized. I revel in the sensation of driving; the freedom, the independence, and the capabilities it brings to me. I have always loved this time behind the wheel of my car that takes me away from where I was and brings me back to myself.

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I am sitting cross-legged in the computer chair with the cat on my lap. I can hear the toddler’s show playing on the TV in the livingroom and by his silence I can tell he is content. I am warm from the cat that drapes over my legs and comforted by the semi-solitude that engulfs me as I hear the click clack of the keyboard transform my thoughts into words on the screen.

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I am outside. The sun warms my body and my soul and my son’s laughter reaches to the sky with his squeals of delightment. The water sprinkler tries to reach us both but as my son bravely runs through it, I stand to the side watching him and only wetting my feet. The brightness of the day contrasts with my mood of darkness, and as much as I wish to be in this moment, I feel that I am somehow somewhere else.

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The shower runs almost scalding over me, as if somehow it could wash away my thoughts if I just let it run long enough or warm enough. Scented body wash lingers over my skin as I move my hands over my body to wash myself of the dirt, the day, my thoughts.

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It’s quiet here when the sun goes down. The toddler’s breaths are heavy and content. I like it when I see a trace of a smile flicker across his face because then I know he is having a good dream. His peaceful sleeping brings me comfort. I don’t want to move too much because I don’t want to disturb the toddler or the cat that is perched by my feet. I will my body to sleep, but my mind busies itself with unwelcome thoughts and ponderings. It will be many more hours before I will find a restful slumber.

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I am here, surrounded by my life, but I so often feel so very alone.

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16 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Being a mom is so lonely. It’s perfect and it’s lonely.
    You said it exactly!
    Sometimes the loneliness is real. And sometimes it is perceived.
    It’s a challenge trying to figure out which it is.

    • Ohhh, I love this. “Sometimes the loneliness is real. And sometimes it is perceived.”
      I will have to remember this and have to try harder to discern the two. Thank you so much for commenting.

  2. Beautiful Julia, and as always, I can relate sooooo much. Remember when you are alone you always have your blog friends 😉 I know it’s not the same as real friends but like Michelle said, sometimes mommyhood puts a damper on keeping up in person friend relationships. Remember you have us who “get” those alone and dark feelings, too 🙂

    • Thank you so much. This is definitely part of why I turned to blogging, because it is so hard to keep up “real life” friendships. I also really love how blogging friends can relate to all the tough stuff; often friends in person only get to the surface and small talk. I’m so glad to have found you!

  3. Isolation continues to be the most unexpected, challenging, and oddly contradictory part of motherhood for me. I have this child, this family that surrounds me and I have to follow their rhythym which sometimes means that I am shut away from everyone else because I need to take care of them. I can’t just do whatever I want whenever I want or connect with whatever I need to whenever I need to. I’m forced to be alone with my thoughts at times and in moods that I’ve never been alone with them before.

    • Yes, yes to all of this. The isolation is indeed the most contradictory part of motherhood, because you sometimes feel alone even when you are surrounded by others. It’s such a strange place to be. And I agree with you so much about being alone with thoughts for the first time. In my pre-mommy more busy and more social life, it was easier to not listen to myself. But now, my inner thoughts have become louder and I can not ignore myself anymore. What a very strange revelation.

  4. This is so beautiful and I completely get this. I have lined up a post about my escape…I just had enough…packed up my car and child and left. The road, the wind, the music….tears…lots of tears.
    No one really understands what it’s like to be in a dark spot…how isolating it is…even when in a crowded room.
    I hope that you are ok. I’m really behind on my reading but will catch up with you soon.
    You wrote this brilliantly. xo

    • Aww, thank you love. I guess I’m just going through some stuff. Most of it is not written down yet.
      I’m so glad that you were able to take that time for yourself and your healing. Sending lots of love and thoughts your way! Thank you for making me feel so cared for.

  5. It’s because I’m surrounded by life that I covet my alone time. Even the 15-minute drive to the gym feels indulgent sometimes. I’m an introvert by nature and being alone helps me recharge my batteries. I rarely feel lonely when I’m alone. 🙂

  6. it is such a delicate balance isn’t it? this inner world, thoughts, feelings, soul and trying to marry that with the outer. nature. children. responsibilities. somedays i have a sharp. sudden awareness of my solitude. you speak it here so well.

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