Nicholas Sparks Is A Liar

“You deserve to be kissed every day, every hour, every minute,” comes the line booming from the TV complete with the sexy undertones of Zac Efron’s voice and a romantically themed musical score.

I was having a down day, and because I was in the middle of crying while watching my DVR recorded season finale of Up All Night, (which involved a tear jerking proposal that I had to watch because oh-my-goodness-I-LOVE-that-show), I was already a sappy mess. And then here comes this commercial for The Lucky One. I was completely wrapped up in it. I was mesmerized by the intensity and the passion and the love story. My mind wandered and became wistful. No sooner had Zac Efron delivered his line then my husband let out a loud disgusting burp simultaneous with the sound of my toddler yelling from the bathroom, “Mommy?! I pooted! Wipe my bottom!”


I think if it weren’t for the fact that I knew crying over the culmination of that moment would just make me look like an unstable mess, I totally would’ve broken down right there. But instead I just sighed and asked my burping husband if he might go handle the toddler’s bottom wiping needs.

So you see, The Lucky One-based-on-a-novel-by-Nicholas-Sparks, suggesting that the leading lady needs to be kissed every day, every hour, and every minute, is crap. I don’t have time for kissing every minute. I have stuff to do. You can’t just let toddlers sit around with poo on their bottoms. And who really wants to engage in a kiss with a person who just freshly burped? Gross.

On top of that, if I’m getting kissed every minute, when would I have time to do other stuff like dishes or laundry or drive my kid to preschool or, I don’t know, watch totally ridiculous romantic movies?

You see, it is these kind of movies that get our hopes up. That make us think that somewhere out there is this guy who will love us so intently that he just can’t wait to kiss us every minute. Who will love you with an unwavering passion and create a love story worthy of a movie. That one day we will grow up and meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after. I am not falling for it.

Maybe there’s some of that intensity in the beginning of a relationship, but then it becomes a marriage with real life things to deal with and babies to take care of and it’s hard to find one minute alone with your partner, let alone multiple minutes in which to kiss them.

Why can’t we be more realistic about this? Why can’t we make a movie where the leading man strides up to the leading lady and says, “Hey baby, I know you’ve had a long day, why don’t I clean the livingroom while you sit on the couch. And I promise I won’t try to kiss you because I know you are not in the mood after dealing with the toddler all day.”

Or something else wonderfully romantic, like these amazing Ryan Gosling memes from  Swoon!

15 0 15 Sweet Words for Moms from Ryan Goslingoriginal image source:

01 0 15 Sweet Words for Moms from Ryan Gosling
Or my favorite,
06 You Look Great in Your Sweatpants: 10 Things Any SAHM Would Love to Hear

And can we please be realistic with our story endings? Nobody lives happily ever after. They LIVE. Which means ups and downs and successes and failures and happiness and sadness and monotony and excitement and elation and exhaustion. (Did you catch that? Shameless blog plug.)

Why don’t we say “and they lived mostly happily except on the days when they never got any sleep because of the baby and money was tight and the house needed maintenance and the husband never remembered to pick up his dirty socks.” Or something else more clever and less cryptic than “happily ever after.”

I’m not a total romantic movie hater. Nicholas Sparks was my favorite author for years and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve read The Notebook. And that movie? Swoon! (Or maybe I just have a thing for Ryan Gosling.)

Either way, I was into all that a long time ago. Before I got married. Before I really understood that this love and marriage thing? Is hard. 

Aren’t we doing ourselves a disservice by romanticizing the realities of long-term relationships? Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment when our real lives can’t measure up to the love stories we see portrayed on TV? Or are these movies meant to re-inspire that part of ourselves that gets lost in the daily business of real life? Do we still yearn for this type of romance even though we know it’s not realistic?

I may not have all of the answers, but I maintain my original stance. The “you need to be kissed every minute” line? Is bad. I just don’t have time for that, people. I have poo to wipe.


Snakes and Worms

We are fully potty trained here. All 3 of us. It is a major accomplishment.

By fully potty trained, I mean EXCLUSIVELY big boy underwear. Or naked.

We gave away our last pack of diapers and I still have half a pack of pull-ups. I intended for him to wear those to sleep in, but he really doesn’t need them. We have always talked about the potty and been pretty open about going potty in front of him. We got serious about training in late December, and by the beginning of February he had mastered it! I wasn’t expecting to do it so early, and was a little apprehensive at first, but he just decided he was ready. He is only 29 months old, and I’ve heard rumors that boys take longer, so I’m very thrilled to have reached the latest milestone in parenting. We are officially out of the baby stage and into the full on little boy chapter of life.

Now that my little guy is potty trained, we have run into a different sort of challenge. My kid likes his poops.

After going poot in the potty, he will look at it. He gets very excited and thinks that he has made snakes or worms. Yesterday, after a pretty impressive potty session, he said, “Look, Mommy! I made a ‘nake!” He was beyond proud of himself. I responded with appropriate excitement over my child’s bowel movement and then said, “Ok, let’s put it in the big potty.” It was time for a melt down. “No, Mommy! Don’t flush my ‘nake!!! I love him!”

How do I explain to my child that although he has, indeed, made a masterful creation with his body, it is still poo and it is going down that toilet.

I think I said some variation of that. Somehow, the snake made it in the toilet. But then we had to admire it in the big potty. “Can I touch it?” my son asked while he reached into the toilet. “NO!” I responded and grabbed his hand out. “But why Mommy? I want play with my ‘nake!”

“Because, child, it is poot. We do not touch poot.” And with that, we tried to flush the toilet. But we couldn’t. Because it clogged. Before flooding the bathroom, we hightailed it out of there and moved on to another activity, such as refusing-to-get-dressed-because-“I want be naked.”

Fast forward to today, when he made another impressive creation. (Seriously. How does such a little person make such big things?)

This time, he made a worm, apparently. So we went through the same routine of being impressed and trying to get it in the toilet and my son being distressed as to why we had to flush his worm. Except this time, he managed to touch it.

So I got to clean up poo from his hands, his bottom, his little potty, the big potty, and the bathroom wall where he tried to wipe it off.

I’m kind of regretting the whole potty training thing. On the plus side, I can now add “snake and worm wrangler” to my resume.

Is that chocolate or poo?

It was a scene from the movies. Of course you’ve all seen the classic “Baby Mama” featuring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, right? If not, stay tuned to TBS where it will replay about once or twice a week. In this hilarious film, Tina Fey’s character really wants a baby and Amy’s character becomes her surrogate. In an opening scene, Tina Fey visits her family where her sister grabs her son’s hand that is smeared with brown…something. “Is this chocolate or poo?” She asked of the little boy who smiles mischievously and gives no response. “Chocolate or poo?” the mother asks more demanding now. Still with no answer the mom licks the little boy’s hand and smiles and loving says, “It’s chocolate”. Disgusted, Tina Fey’s character responds, “What if that had been poo?!” The sister replies, “I told ya, messy. But it’s great.”

Ah, a lovely story placed in a fictional movie. And then it happened. For real. At my house.

On Christmas morning, after opening all of the presents, the hubs and I went into the kitchen to get our Christmas meal started. A little while later, our little boy, who we thought was content playing with the train table Santa brought, came running into the kitchen saying “Ew, EW!”  “What’s wrong?” I said, with concern, and a slow look down to his hand which was COVERED in brown……something. “Ew, Mommy!” my 2-year-old exclaimed. “Is that chocolate or poo?” I asked. My little boy smiled and gave me no response. “Chocolate or poo?” I asked, a little more demanding now. Luckily I could smell it before I made the mistake of licking it. It was poo. Smeared all over his hand.

Unlike the movie, our scene was resolved in a swift haul up stairs and immediate diaper change and a talk about how we don’t dig in our diapers if they are full of poo.

But just like the movie, after a new diaper was in place I smiled lovingly at my child. Because the sentiment is true to the life of a mommy. “Its messy. But it’s great.”

I couldn’t agree more. Next time I just hope there’s more chocolate involved.

Welcome to my world!